Keeping the Extended Family Connected
How is it that some families manage to hang together – for several generations – when others fly apart as soon as the kids are grown? Is there a special ingredient, some magic that families can use to keep the kids, grand-kids and great grand-kids coming together for family projects, fun, meetings and activities?
We are a fairly typical American family. We lived in a different city than our parents, had two boys – raised together in one home until they left the nest. Both boys are now married with their own busy lives, in different cities. It’s hard to find time to get together, and brothers tend not to keep in touch otherwise. As a consequence, I’ve been on the hunt for ways to keep my kids communicating and in touch with us, their grandparents and each other.
Keeping the extended family connected is necessary to preserve generational wealth.
In order to put in place and use a 100 year wealth plan, you must have all family members pointed in the same direction, pulling together. This won’t happen if your extended family doesn’t remain close and communicate with each other.
Because I’m trying to change our family history paradigm and start that 100 year wealth plan for future generations, I’ve been on the hunt for ways to encourage family member communication and involvement. It is so easy for families to part ways, due to a variety of factors.
Factors that cause extended family to part ways.
Expectations.
If you were raised, and raised your family, with no expectation of extended family closeness, then chances are your extended family will not stay connected.
Distance.
Living in different parts of the country, or even in different parts of the city makes it harder visit face to face – especially when you are trying to get everyone together in the same place at the same time.
Rivalry.
Sibling rivalry doesn’t necessarily stop when the kids leave home. Sometimes old grudges become larger than life and are evidenced by not being interested in getting together.
Being too busy.
Young adults are busy, no doubt about that. Starting that career and finishing up school, being parents and employees or having their own business will definitely keep your grown kids super busy. If they aren’t scheduled, their kids are and if their kids aren’t scheduled you probably are yourself.
Unwillingness to extend oneself.
We are all wrapped up in our own lives. Even grandparents, believe it or not, have busy schedules. Sometimes, if you want to keep your extended family relationships up and running, you just have to make yourself available when called upon. Yes, you can skip the gym and babysit for that darling granddaughter. Sure, you can take a moment to pop in on Mom and Dad to help them move the cabinet and etc.
Lack of planning.
It used to be so easy when everyone was under the same roof – you just sat down to dinner and there you all were, bam, together, communicating and most likely discussing common projects. Now it takes someone interested enough in making sure that the family gets together to take the time to plan, query, work around everyone’s schedule and arrange for the meeting or project or activity.
Mis-handled communication.
Parents of grown kids can really mess up communication wise. We have to understand that the kids are in charge now of their lives, not us. Parents who find fault with grown children, parents who lecture their adult offspring or parents who are too inquisitive and buttinsky into grown kids lives will cause communication issues. No one wants to be criticized, lectured or interrogated!
Siblings and in-laws also need to watch their communication style. Gossiping and hearsay should be curtailed as should talking behind another family member’s back.
Lack of shared pursuits.
Since we each have our own lives and spaces, we tend not to be involved in shared pursuits. Sharing a project or work activity helps us stay connected and keeps us learning how to interact and communicate with each other.
It’s very easy to slide into any or all of these factors and out of the habit of interacting with extended family. So how do families manage to hang together? Here are some things I’ve tried or seen others use to help ensure that extended family members stay connected.
Ways to keep extended family members connected.
Arrange for a regular periodic visit or calling day/time.
If you are inclined to try to stay in touch on a daily or weekly basis, you may be disappointed – as evidenced in the comments on this blog post by one Dr. Kathy McCoy. In the article she is trying to point out that parents of adult children must not expect constant and continuous communication with their grown offspring, but the somewhat bitter comments show that a lot of folks do have that expectation – which is not being met by their children.
So, if you want a periodic call or visit, make sure it will fit into everyone’s schedule and don’t be offended if someone has to drop off one or more times.
At some point in the future, I may give a monthly scheduled conference call a try.
I know that some families do get together at Mom’s house for Sunday dinner every week. Due to distance and work schedules, and the fact that I won’t cook Sunday dinner every week, ours doesn’t!
Annual family meeting or reunion.
Since our boys left home and started their own family, I started a new tradition of having a family meeting once a year. We rotate leadership and the leader schedules the meeting and solicits topics for us to discuss.
I bought a lake front condo within driving distance for all of us and we gather there each summer for June birthdays (we have many that month) and Labor Day weekend.
My husbands cousins on his Mom’s side get together at the same lake each year for fun and activities.
My husbands parent’s generation still has a family Christmas dinner – now grown so large that it is held at a restaurant. There are only 4 women left from the founding generation of around 16 couples, but also in attendance are baby boomers (their kids), Gen Xers, Millennials and what ever the newest generation is called now.
Family websites and newsletters.
One of ours son’s has a website, which he has opened up to family on both his and his wife’s side of the family (as well as some friends). Grandparents, siblings, nieces, nephews and etc can get an account and post documents, pictures, news and etc about their own family units.
We don’t have a family newsletter now, but my own Dad started one that he sent by USPS back in the 1970’s.
Phone calls, Skype, Text and emails.
Our family has had Skype conference calls and of course the kids use text. I get the best results communicating with them via email. They can pick it up whenever they want without feeling pressured.
Physical mail.
It seems no one sends paper mail anymore, but even that can be important – as in physical thank you notes to the folks in the greatest generation! Trust me, it’s expected.
I also use mail to communicate directly with my two grandchildren – now ages 5 and 8. I try to send them a postcard, letter or package every couple of weeks.
Vacation together.
We splurged for our 40th wedding anniversary and funded a trip for our two grown sons, their families and ourselves to Yellowstone National Park. We allowed for both time together and time for each family unit to do things on their own and it resulted in a most memorable trip for all.
We’ve also met grown children and their family for the day to tour a winery, visit antique shops or visit an interesting old town.
Join a common cause.
Working together on a cause you all can support is another way to connect extended family members. Although more difficult if you are geographically distant, in today’s world of instant connectivity, you can still share this activity. Find out what charitable interest you have in common and join forces to assist the effort together. This is one of the next avenues I will be exploring – especially with my daughters-in-law.
Start a family enterprise.
Extended family members stay connected when they have something at stake together. Start an investment club, a family bank or a business and your family will stay connected. I’ve been agitating for a family fund, to which everyone contributes something money wise – either now or at death and each also contributes time. So far, we are in the cuss and discuss it stage – as we all have worries about potential consequences of this type of common enterprise.
Show your family the way.
If you want your extended family to stay connected and enjoy each others company and support, show them the way. Take pains to connect with them yourself, both individually and as a group. Be that person who is willing to spend her time to make the plans, juggle the schedules, use the technology, upload the pictures and cook the dinners.
Be ready to accept that all will not be peaches and cream with your extended family. There may be rivalries and outright feuds, but if you set the example of interacting as a polite, civil adult you should have more good times than bad. Your family is your first and truest network. Family is forever.
What have you tried or seen tried, to keep extended family connected?
