Avoiding the High Cost of Senior Divorces

Many things change as we mature, including our relationships. You and your spouse may have shared years together, raising family, building your nest egg, and sharing experiences – some good, some bad.  You have probably learned each other’s habits and hot spots, but have you noticed that you are changing again as you approach your sixties and retirement?

In When Seniors Divorce Robert Gordon says:

“the nature of emotions and needs change from the passage of middle age to senior years.”

With each passing year, your life span is growing increasingly shorter. You may be reviewing your life and wondering what it was all about. Did you make the most of your time on earth and what should you do now that you have the freedom and a few years left?

Maybe you are finding a new dream to pursue, but your spouse doesn’t understand or share the vision you have. Maybe she is asserting her independence more than she previously did or maybe he is insisting on ‘me’ time and doing things his own way.

Mom always said that marriage is not just 50-50 give and take, it is more likely that you feel you are giving 80 percent of the time and only getting 20 back. I always tried to account for that – maybe he thinks he is giving and I am taking, but I feel like I am giving and he is taking.

Now that I’m over sixty, some days I no longer have the patience to put up with some of the things I’ve ignored in the past. A small and petty example – he controls the TV remote most of the time, therefore what we watch on our only TV unless I take a firm stance (and risk him ridiculing the shows I like ) or get invited to choose the show.

Many times, I have held my tongue in the household, to achieve peace and tranquility. Now there are days when I feel like I am paying for that silence. Perhaps I didn’t speak up for myself enough in the past.

My Dad died at 65, if I did the same, then this is my last year on the planet – I want to do, be, say and watch what I want to – not what someone else expects me to. For too long, I have adhered to expectations – those of parents, school teachers, employers, my children and yes even my spouse. To myself (and now to you), I’ve designated 2013 as the Year of Marie. My very own ‘me’ year.

Apparently, I’m not the only person that feels that way. According to some statistics, the over 50 divorce rate has doubled in the past decade.

Folks who have been married as long as or longer than we have (41 years) are divorcing to: end abusive relationships; take advantage of government handouts like Medicaid; or just to pursue a different lifestyle than their spouse does.

In Gray divorce’: Why are more seniors separating? MSNBC says:

“The baby boomer population is healthier, living longer and looking younger than ever before. They are less willing to remain in empty marriages that are not gratifying. These divorcing seniors often describe their thinking like this: “I only have a few years left, and I might as well make the most of it.””

Perhaps marriage really isn’t naturally intended to be ‘until death do us ‘part’. We are in uncharted waters according to the author of Will You Still Need Me When I’m … 84? (orig from Wall Street Journal in 2003)

Consider their claim that:

“ A full 65% of the people who have passed age 50 in the history of mankind are still walking the earth today. Marriage is a longer-term commitment than it ever has been — too long for a growing number of seniors.”

Still, do changing relationships and life re-evaluations need to end in divorce? What are the consequences of senior divorces?

Divorce may not be the best option.

Just because your relationship has changed doesn’t mean that divorce is the outcome that should happen.

In 5 Natural Ways a Relationship Changes with Time the author thinks that:

“Now is the time when you both can pursue your own interests (maybe a Goal you had to set away while raising your children) and then come together to share your new found wisdom without expecting the other one to dodge you every step of the way. By now you should be secure enough in each others love and fidelity that you can spend a bit of time away from each other without fearing the worst. Then again you may have become one of those couples that have truly found enough joint interests that you can go on adventures together. Friends don’t judge each other harshly, but are supportive of each others dreams. Friends can see through eyes which are not glazed by jealousy, envy or mistrust. To a friend you should be able to confide even your silliest dreams. We often don’t feel we can do this to our Spouse because at times it simply doesn’t include them. Now is the time to become that friend and go onto an entirely new plateau of your relationship. You are now true life companions.”

Sometimes even those of us who have been married longer than forever don’t make it to the ‘life companions’ phase for whatever reason. It can be hard to break a lifetime’s habit of interacting in certain ways. Sometimes our partner’s change in ways that we can’t (or won’t) tolerate, but as the above quote implies, there can be benefits if we do make it. Isn’t it worth a try?

Give each other some freedom to explore individual pursuits. You’ve been a couple for so long it is hard to say ‘This is mine, I did this.’ but it is also necessary to feel that way.

Take time alone, to do what you want to do, be what you want to be, and act how you want to act – without worrying about what your partner thinks or wants.

Think about your shared memories you have, the daily tasks each of you does for the other, the family moments you share with descendants and the convenience of having another person around – to drive you to the doctor when needed, check on you when you are gone too long or be a second set of hands when you need one.

Remember, that there are many benefits to marriage and divorce has implications.

Divorce has consequences.

Although, at least in America, divorce is now not cause for social ostracism, it can have big consequences, not the least of which are financial difficulties.

Also to consider are increased isolation and loneliness, the emotional stress of the divorce itself, and impact on any adult children, grandchildren and other relatives and friends.

In addition, single seniors are more apt to lack caregivers if disease or disability strikes. Married folks tend to try to take care of each other – even though the task is not a pleasant one.

Consider the finances.

Senior divorces have more financial consequences than divorces for younger folks, according to the Dallas News article: Financial fallout from divorce is greater later in life –   there is less time to recover from financial mistakes made during the divorce process. They say:

“Whenever you divorce, you have to make decisions relating to where you’re going to live, property division, taxation, employment, credit, insurance coverage and budgeting.”

 Many seniors consider divorce, knowing that it is a wealth destroyer, and knowing that they will suffer financially. Think about the couple living on his pension and an IRA, neither of which is sufficient to maintain just one home, let alone two separate dwellings post divorce.

It will get more expensive to live after a divorce. First, there will be fewer resources available, due to things such as divorce attorney fees and court costs. If the couple’s home is sold to split the equity in the settlement, there will be capital gains taxes, Realtor’s fees, possibly costs to bring the home up to a marketable state and etc. You will each have a housing bill, a grocery bill and etc, instead of only having one.

In addition, each person will spend money to reset beneficiaries on things such as their will, trusts, powers of attorney and other estate planning documents.

Take proactive steps to protect post divorce finances.

If you feel the divorce can’t be avoided, the parties must take steps to protect their financial interests.

USNEWS in Financial Safeguards Needed as Senior Divorces Soar suggests that each party should have a copy of anything related to finance (and get it to a safe place each individual can access outside the home). This includes bank and investment statements, credit reports and credit statements, loan balances, titles to cars, houses, boats and etc.

Open a bank account and fund it, in your name. Get your name off any credit or loan balances that it shouldn’t be on – or you will be held 100% liable to pay if your spouse doesn’t. Make sure to change the will, the title to your car and house (if you keep it in the settlement), life insurance policies and etc.

Consider splitting investments pro-rata, each party getting shares of the same stock for instance. This helps insure that one person doesn’t get all the dog investments while the other one gets the ones with future growth potential.

Think through, very carefully, how much you will need to live on after the divorce, before you go talk to a divorce mediator or lawyer. It will be more expensive to live separately than married. Plan for future changes and make sure those are included in any settlement – things such as answering what if scenarios. What if he pays alimony, but becomes unable to pay (such as might happen if a debilitating disease strikes affecting ability to pay). What if a grandchild has to come be your dependent?

Make sure you have health insurance covered – especially if you are covered on your spouse’s plan.

Divorce is expensive, no matter what your age, but long time couples have more complications and entanglements to think through and deal with than couples married a shorter time.

Take time to try to work through your changing relationship with your long time partner. See if you can achieve that ‘life companion’ status, but if not, go into a divorce with eyes wide open and stand up for your own needs throughout the process.

As Regina Sunderland put it in In 5 Natural Ways a Relationship Changes with Time:

“You would be surprised how many marriages fall apart at this point, because suddenly the common fighting ground is gone. Where before you had something you both stood for and were united for or against, now this is gone and you flounder just a bit.”

Don’t let yours be the one that flounders. Work through your changing relationship and avoid the high cost of senior divorces!

Do you know a senior who divorced? What impact has it had on them and you?

 Resources:

• When Seniors Divorce http://www.dallasbar.org/content/when-seniors-divorce
• Divorcing Seniors http://www.senioryears.com/divorcingseniors.html
• Late-Age Divorce Growing American Trend http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/AmericanFamily/story?id=124920&page=1
• How Seniors Can Handle Widowhood, Divorce, and Remarriage Issues http://www.society-csa.com/Divorce.aspx
• Avoid these five common, costly divorce mistakes http://50plusseniornewspa.com/news/2012/jun/04/avoid-these-five-common-costly-divorce-mistakes/
• Getting Divorced or Separated? 7 Financial Mistakes Not to Make http://www.dailyfinance.com/2011/06/09/getting-divorced-or-separated-7-financial-mistakes-not-to-make/

Disclaimer:  Remember, I’m not a professional lawyer, divorce counselor or any other profession significantly related to the content of this post.  Please review your own situation with your own resources prior to acting.